Tapes and traffic signs
by Ginger the sister
Summary: Don't own anything! Helga is pretty down and has no big goals for future. Her big love is locked in a dirty closet, Arnold avoids even talking to her, but there's still rage and passion in Helga's personality
1. Chapter 1

It all had happened a month before they all were supposed to leave the nest.

Spring was somehow very windy and cold that year, the terror and nervousness stuck in the air, and sad songs clung to the clouds, like a bubblegum to Helga's sneakers. She was a perfect match to this up-coming thunder, with an expression of concern and some dull pain occupied her face.  
This years she was a lot different from what you've last seen, this bossy nine-year-old blond in pink dress. She'd grown into something unremarkable. Or she tried to become so. She dyed her hair black since she was 14, and lined her eyes black too, as if seeking for some protection. She wasn't perfectly slim like Lila and other attention-keeping young ladies, and wasn't that brightly dressed, or popular, and the fact of "not being like" seemed to upset her, still she did nothing to tune herself to be more like them.

If she had someone who knew her inner-self, that someone would say that she'd given up.

But you can guess, she didn't have that someone.  
Since Phoebe was accepted to some special institution for gifted students at the age of 13, Helga and her began getting more and more distant. Then there was Gerald. Helga had no idea they were dating until she saw them kissing in a cafe.  
Next day Helga dyed her hair for the first time.

She didn't know what was the point, she just kept feeling miserable all the time.  
So she had to do something to celebrate the new Helga.  
She didn't know that day that she would hate "new Helga" even more.

Oh well.

She shivered and bundled up more tightly into her dark green hoodie, looking bitterly outside from her window. There was someone who apparently never noticed how cold and surly everything was. Right under her window - here they go - Arnold and a covey of pretty little ladies. Helga sighted. How many of them were there? Helga and him had barely said each other 5 words during last few years. There, on the street, he said something funny and they all burst from laughter.  
There was Lila, and Macy, and Trina, and his new girlfriend, Carla. Somehow Arnold managed to end up every relationship peacefully and all his ex-ies were in time his good friends.  
Helga found it very Arnold-alike.  
There was one strange thing about this, though. How could it come, that all this butterflies can be his friends anytime they want, but there's no way for her?

Since she's not a bully, she tried to have just a lousy little conversation so many times, but he never even looked up at her from his mobile phone.

Thinking that she'd seen enough kissing, Helga turned away from window, knowing that it's time to go, still unwilling to leave her refuge. She then noticed her old mp3 player, which she didn't use for quite a while, because those days she thought that without music it would be easier for her to cope with the reality. Now reality was suffocating her, and so she grabbed the little gadget and hurried to leave the house.  
Nothing really changed there, except Helga. Only photos of Olga's family, only ignorance of Helga's presence and wild rows emerging from time to time. Helga's room however looked different now - walls were painted dark green, and the room was almost empty - walls had some posters on them, and some pieces of poetry-not anymore Helga's own, but various songs lyrics. A little silver laptop. Dark gray curtains. Bed with dark red throw. She cleared her closet at 13, at the day when Arnold read his writing assignment about people whom he loved the most.  
All what was left from her dreamy past was one box in a dark corner of her closet. Inside of it were one last little pink book which she finished writing just a week before that assignment, and her bow.

Helga waited beside the front door for a while, to make sure that Arnold and his beautiful company finally continued their way to school. Then she crept out of the house. In some distance she saw the familiar silhouette. She stayed still for a while, stunned by the sight of it. "Don't you turn your back on me" shouted the voice in her headphones, and Helga just asked herself, why should it every time be so ridiculous and so not like a real life . It's like she, Helga, is a character from a song, or a book who was created to face dead-ends in such poetic and lame ways.  
She then shrugged and began her way in the same direction that was her football-headed misery going. She mentally thanked herself for taking her old player with was the certain reason for it - inside of this little plastic box was her lost power, attitude and rage. Helga's peers would've considered her music choice pretty odd, as everybody seem to be overwhelmed by fashionable and- mostly- local music. But it's needless to say, Helga never cared. since Phoebe was gone from her life, her best friend was her strange at times and very Helg-ish idols. Her number one this days was Sandra Nasic with Guano Apes. This passionate, aggressive and iron strong blonde always reminded Helga of her bulling side which seemed to fade a lot after all that Helga's been through. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about being tough and cruel if you're Helga, if you were born in a wrong place at a wrong time. He adored many other bands too, mostly with female vocals, as they were like representation of she found her new sides in music, the girl thought that one of her parts is dead and she has no power to defend herself anymore.  
But this wasn't her story.  
In her headphones, she slowly went back to her normal struggling self. She wasn't beating up people anymore of course, she wasn't shouting this days or calling anyone names. But everybody around felt the fury inside of her, flame that couldn't be put off by any sadness, sweetness or violence. She was therefore considered freaky, like a maniac, and was labeled as "better-not-to-deal-with"  
Kicking rocks, bumping onto people and buildings, Helga was going and going, with a bitter smile on her face. Simple, dumb, lame morning. Another torture to tolerate.  
She won't give up on who she is even though she'd given up on all she ever needed. She tried, for this one and only someone, to change her core, change her everything, but he never seem to notice. this is where she realized she had only herself. And this point she won't give in to anyone.

School day was even longer than usual, something was still in the air, although Helga couldn't define the feeling she had. She just fell out of reality for a whole day, having just a cup of coffee for lunch, not even trying to focus on lessons, sitting on her own in a class during breaks. Only on her way home her oblivion was interrupted by Lila, who this days had quite good relationships with Helga, though not good enough to be friends, which would be just odd.  
"I tried to find you during breaks but every time you were nowhere to be found!"  
Helga looked at her as if she'd just woken up -"Oh hi, Lila"  
"You know Carla is planning to have a girl's night at her place,tomorrow, and she invited every girl in a class, and em, she asked me to invite you too"  
"Why didn't she then asked me herself?" Helga asked, feeling like already knowing the answer.  
"It's ever so difficult to say Helga, and I'm ever so sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I suppose she just...you're an unusual girl, Helga, and she probably thought that maybe I'd do better with it"  
"Oh yeah, whatever. Ok, I guess I'll come. Send me her address, OK?" Helga shrugged and continued her way.  
It was a chip trick - Carla just wanted to invite one freak into their gorgeous company to state the difference. She saw them playing that game pretty often - they were not bulling her or anything like that because simply remembered Helga's past and were scared to make her angry, but, knowing somehow that she tried to be good with everybody, to change, they constantly tortured her by stating the difference between them; permanently showing Helga that she'll never succeed in becoming like them.  
9 year old Helga would never care about this thing, but this days everything was different. Her dreams faltered, her once true love nowadays wasn't giving her any power,only making her doubt herself even time ago, Helga really thought it would be better if she changes her behavior, but it didn't work it all. Here she is- polite, and quiet, she's not writing stupid poems anymore, she's all new, but still she can't change. She's Helga, and she should've known she will be forever, no matter what.  
This thoughts overwhelmed Helga totally, and she was to busy to notice her family, which in return never noticed her.  
Why did I accept the invitation? wondered Helga. She always skipped such things as school dances and meetings. But this time she just had this dark feeling which a prey has and with some little corner of her soul she wanted to feel once again how different and lonely she is. This was very disgusting and weak thing, but she had no way back now.  
Thinking this way, she took all the food left in their fridge (chips, a bottle of milk, two slices of ham) and walked up into her room, where she threw the food onto her bed, took her laptop there too and then sat onto her bed herself. She logged in their city's social network and soon received Lila's message with all the details. Then she went to Carla's page and found a very long and sickening list of Carla's and Arnold correspondence. It was enough for her to jump off her bed and start wondering around her room, searching for something that would help her release her anger. She soon found her player, found a pencil and started writing and drawing, as if she had never given herself a promise not to do this again. Well, she will tear it apart later on, just like every other her "self-expressing". She stayed late and didn't even notice, and she'd fallen asleep lying over her papers.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, I have to say I'm sorry for any fact or grammar or whatever mistakes you find here. I'm not a native, I've never been to any English-speaking country, so blame it on this)) This is pretty childish I know

Knocking at the door of Carla's house, Helga said to herself "OK girl, you started this. Now be good and don't panic".

She looked at the sky, again filled by heavy clouds, shook her head to get rid of all sad thoughts and clenched her fists. The door opened. She was greeted by Carla, whose tiny grin told Helga she was right i about the reason why she was invited. Carla looked lovely with her long chocolate curls framing her pretty face with rose cheeks and little perfect lips. Helga always thought though that Carla is a little too lovely. A little too much. Helga sometimes comforted herself with the thought that none of those girls whom Arnold always chose could become a model. This was Helga's guilty pleasure - even though she hated modeling so much when she was a kid, she now found her experience pretty useful, as it helped her to divide really high fashion faces and things from a "little town princess" thing. Carla was lovely, she had enough long lashes and curls to charm a guy like Arnold, but nothing more. Carla was lacking in zest, just like redneck Lila, or low-minded Trina, or self-occupied Rhonda, or any other. Still they were calling the shots, and Helga still was oblivious to her own originality.

Black haired blonde entered the big living room, full of loud noise, which was supposed to be called music, and instantly sank in a patchy crowd. There were girls from her class, and some unknown ladies, wearing posh, but unremarkable hung around, doing absolutely nothing, just watching those birdies gossiping in a very disgusting manner, and it took about two hours. When she got totally sick of all this girly chat and was about to sneak away from the house without saying goodbye, Carla changed her plans.

- And what do you think, Helga?- asked she, and Helga suddenly noticed that she and Lila were sitting on the couch just next to her.  
-what do I think about that?  
- Lila just said my new shoes were lovely. What do you think?  
Helga mentally told herself to remember about her new polite and nice self.  
- Well, I guess they are.  
She noticed then that all girls had got a little drunk, and it helped them to overcome the decorum and fear and talk to her.  
- Oh, Helga, this is nice. Although I suppose you would never buy such shoes yourself, Helga. I see that you're not fond of such things. I wonder why.  
-Well, I...- tried to reply Helga, but immediately found out that Carla didn't need any answer. - Yeah, this is kinda strange. It's not that I care, but every time I look at you, I wonder, if there's any big trouble in your life, like, um, your boyfriend dropped you or you got raped, or...Helga, sweetie, I just want to see you happy!-Carla tried to smile. Every girl in the room now looked at them.  
- Well, um..., Lila suddenly broke into conversation -I'm ever so sorry if this is unpleasant for you, but I really had a thought about you Helga. I remember once you asked me to help you change. And I did, and I was ever so happy to see you like that. I can help you to be more...um..feminine and soft, and well dressed, so maybe..mm...someone would like you like you

Same old song, -thought Helga.

- Yes, Helga! Why don't you have a boyfriend?  
- You really need to do something with your clothing style, this jeans and shirts are just lame - Oh yes, I think you need something like my short pink dress with crystals, it looks so damn sexy and stylish, can't believe you can prefer your clothes to those stunning things - But the thing is, even if we want it, we can't share it with her because she won't accept it. Look at the way she looks at us? Helga, what's up? Anytime I go past you you look like you wanna puke. You're listening to your lame music all the time, and every time someone invites you to the disco you just say you'd better sit at home and read a book. Gimme a boook and some snotty music and liiive me alooone!

Last sentence said by Carla revealed at last the initiate goal of the party. Carla stopped even trying to look nice. Now she tried her best to hurt this strange person, who scared her so much because of being so unclear.

- What do you think about yourself, Helga? You think you're so sophisticated and freakin' unique?  
"No" - whispered Helga very quietly, totally heartbroken Carla didn't hear anything. She was too busy.

-Like you're this brainy and so much better than we are. Girls, you know what?- Carla gave them a mean smile- She thinks that if she's brainy and reads many stupid books and listens to oh so rare music she's cooler than us! Right Helga?This nerd thinks she's cool! Can you believe this? What a freak! Helga, baby, look at yourself and then look at us. See? We're the right ones,and we're the beautiful ones, and there's nothing left for ones of your kind. You're just pathetic. Arnold told me you wrote poems. I bet it was like you wrote them and you thought how cool you were and that everyone gotta love and worship you for your stupid rhymes? Now you got it, we're doing things right here, and you can possibly try to become a janitor since you are not even going to enter the university. Got it, honey? Eat it, live with it, and I know someday you'll come to me begging to help you be more like me!  
Carla victoriously looked at Helga, eyes sparkling with bitchy fire. She was clearly enjoying herself. But she was wrong thinking that the conversation is other and her rival is defeated. "Be like you?"-thought Helga - "Well, once I tried. Once I did everything to become like you. Even this morning. Not in Hell, ever so nice Helga"

- Well, if being a janitor means never seeing your vain face anymore, I'll take it with honor, you plastic doll! You can think whatever you want about yourself or about me in your little soft head, just don't share it with other world - you know, someone cold once get a headache. Just like me. I'm quitting.

Helga knew all along that arguing with these girls, especially Carla had no point. They were to selfish to hear her. So she just left them to gossip about her and make fun of her, knowing that she could never stop it. But a huge grin on Helga's face showed, that she was actually grateful to the girls for being so dull. "What an idiots!" thought she, laughing aloud. No matter how they would try to hurt her tomorrow, Helga now had no need to be nice and obviously no need to restrain herself. This day she was finally happy about being weird, mean, shy, cold, crazy, unhappy, euphoric, passionate self. And this time she didn't need to be somebody else.


	3. Chapter 3

Lying to sleep that day Helga thought the little story was over. And she'd fallen asleep in a really good mood, which reflected the defeat of a wrong ideals of hers.  
But however that wasn't over.  
Unaware of an upcoming betrayal, Helga spent a little bit more time in front of her mirror. This morning, for the first time in 15 years, she didn't think about Arnold. She didn't think about Phoebe. She was relieved, like someone had opened a door from her cage, and she was finally able make a step out. She stared at herself for a while. She never liked her appearance, but today she wanted to take it in, like she saw herself for the first time. No, she wasn't little, slim and fragile. She was well-built, strong, and independent. She saw it in her chin and in her eyes. And this made her feel free.  
This is how the worst day of her life began.

Girls stared at her at school. Not only Carla's fellows, many more. "Freakin' gossips" thought Helga. But she knew at the same time that they were unaware of a change at Helga's attitude. She stormed past them, collapsed at her place and opened a little black book. It was a book about her. A new chapter. But she didn't have a chance to write first words into it.

-Grrhh! - someone coughed right above her head.  
Helga looked up. -Whoa! Long time, no see! What do you want, Arnoldo? - she exclaimed. She tried to seem rude and keep that morning spirit she had, but her heart sank and her fingers went trembling.

-I need to talk to you.

Here they are. Playground - isn't it a perfect place for a heartbreak? The lesson had just began, but none of them seemed to care. They had been staying in silence for about 10 minutes, since Arnold brought her here. Arnold looked away. Helga studied his face. Things are going the strangest way, she thought. He is here to be my executioner. He's here to torture me, and he looks exactly like a butcher, waiting for a some sign to begin.  
At the moment she thought it, he raised his eyes and they meet her. He looked at her with bravery and contempt. Only a person who is absolutely sure that he's doing the right thing may look like that. Helga's heart dropped that she understood this.  
The fight began.  
-Carla came to me last night. she told me...We had a long talk about you. And I promised I will talk to you.  
Helga didn't respond.  
-She was upset because you refused to listen. She was upset because you were so rude with her. She only wanted to help.  
No response again. Helga just stared at him, charmed by the realization of what is going to happen next.  
-I know you many years. And I told Carla that you've always been like that and that she shouldn't bother to care about you. Every thing's clear, right? so you just promise that you'd never bother her anymore, and we'll go and behave like we don't know each other, just like always. Helga still kept silent.

-So just stay away from her, Helga,and stay away from me. That's it.  
He turned and started going towards school.  
-Excuse me? Helga finally dropped. Her voice was low, almost a whisper, and husky. Something in her sight could show Arnold she was deadly offended and ready even to die in battle, but he was oblivious.  
-What is it?  
-Did you just say this was me who bothered your treasure? Did you by any way say it was me who began this?  
-Apparently I did.  
-Why?  
Arnold looked at her, trying to understand what she meant.  
-Why did you say so? you've always been a kind guy. And this is mean. And also - this is wrong.  
Arnold started getting angry. Who does she think she is? Tries to play with his weak sides - not this time.  
- You know, Helga, I'm fed up with you. For 3 years I've been trying not to notice you at all. But now I think this is the time to tell you all I always wanted to tell.  
Carla came to me so broken told me she wanted to cheer you up, to help you somehow because we all know what a miserable creature you are. She-this beautiful and smart girl- tried to help you, you, who was mean ever since the first attempt to speak. She gave you a hand - and of course you had only one way to responding her kindness - THE FUCKIN' HELGA WAY! -at this point he began shouting. -You shouted at her and said all the nasty things until she was beaten to pieces! I don't wanna know why do you do this Helga, I was dumb as a kid to ever believe you have some reason. You're the meanest, you're WORST person I've ever met in my life! It's almost unbelievable how much power you have to destroy all the good things around. THIS IS -Arnold shouted it right into her face - THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO - HATE AND DESTROY.

He dried up.  
They stood nose to nose. Helga was surprised to find out she was still alive. Her heart seemed to die thousand times while he was revealing his real feelings and thoughts about her, she knew he was deadly honest, and she knew there was no way for her to show that this whole thing he believed in was no more than a huge, enormous lie.  
Trembling, defeated and pitiful, she knew anyway that she can't be silent , now that he, this exact person, is looking at her with such rage that she can feel he wishes she was never born.

-I hate you, she whispered. Her soul was bleeding and poisoning her like a huge tremor, but her eyes were dry and very bright.  
I hate you, she said again, still in her rusty tone.  
Look at yourself, Arnold. You're ready to hit me to the face just because you believe I'm a threat to your beautiful world. Your beautiful world...Oh, Arnold, you're so naive, you've always been, and you only accept things everybody label as "good". it is so easy to live in a world like this - all is written in a scenario, couples meet at heaven, and the only villain who is always trying to destroy everything is finally destroyed. you don't know world, Arnold. You don't know what you're doing. Sorry, but you don't.  
You rejected, -she swallowed hard - that love. Because it wasn't like what you thought love was like. Even your love is good, is right, you have fun, you kiss, you feel tonnes of sweetness, you have sex, you boost to your friends, you defend your girl, because you have to, and everything goes as it has to go, except for the one thing. YOU. DON'T. FEEL. ANYTHING. - she stepped away from Arnold, now shaking heavier from grief and anger.

-You simply can't. You killed the ability to feel when you were a kid. I guess it did hurt too much. I can understand that. But now, now, there's only your mind and a number of "right" answers. Now we will go our ways apart, and you'll go with your beautiful girl, and you will throw me away from your mind like a fly. You'll never know your girl is fooling you. You'll break up to be good friends, just like always. You'll see Sun everyday, and you'll be polite, and kind, and everything, until your peaceful death. And you'll never know... -she started moving back away from playground - you'll never know that on MY way I will go all by my own, trying to glue up pieces of my pride, hating myself, dying from an ocean of feelings that no one needs, as the world, the whole planet prefers to live just like you do - oblivious...

Oh well,- she said at last, mostly to herself - why the Hell do I say this?.. as if I could make you see it by my eyes...you know what? - she said from a distance, trying her best to win this final seconds and not to cry - You've got it. I can't make you understand me. So, guy, you won. No more Helga. Enjoy - she sobbed- the perfect day.  
And having said that, she turned her back and began running as she's never run in her life. She didn't see the frustration in Arnold's eyes. But she was right. He couldn't understand anything.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry if this is too snotty or too short. I just write things as something says me to, and it takes pretty much time to actually figure out what the next chapter should be like. They are short because I believe this is how little chapters in character's lives should begin and end. But there's going to be some ending, you shouldn't think I don't know where I am going!)

They did really go their ways apart.

Helga ran, ran and ran, ran from everything without a thought, ran until she found herself inside of her room.

Arnold stood for a while on a playground, before returning to the lesson. The whole thing about Helga was a mess. He tried, just like Helga said, to throw her away from his mind, and would have succeeded if he hadn't felt so guilty. Arnold tried to convince himself there's nothing to worry about and that the girl had always been unbearable, but still he felt strange aching in his heart. He didn't tell Carla all about his conversation with Helga - actually Carla didn't care much. she even didn't notice that Helga wasn't in the class.

For an hour Helga lied on the floor, where she collapsed just as she reached her house. She didn't cry this time - she just stared at the sealing, feeling empty and numb. But then, as if something exploded downstairs, she jumped up. She was still shaking, her eyes couldn't focus on anything. She said to herself, trying to concentrate "I told him there would be no more Helga. I did..So I guess that's it! I can't live in this town anymore, I've got to go, got to leave, I can't go to school to see him anytime again! Yes, this is it, I'll run away from them, from him, from everything...It's not going to be easy, but..I just can't! Can't stay here any longer! I..have..nothing left here!"  
Immediately, she jumped to her closet, took an old suitcase where she kept her worn-out clothes, threw them away and began packing.

Arnold was getting more and more confused, as he noticed that Carla didn't care about Helga's disappearance. She was cute with him as usual, and everything was perfectly fine, but still he felt uneasy. Her kisses today didn't turn him on, and Carla noticed that. She was offended by his petrification, bored because there was no one to adore her today, but still he didn't pay attention. He felt like a murderer whose hands were all soaked in blood.

Already holding a door knob Helga froze. "It's better to have some place to go", she thought. "I can't just hang around waiting for some maniac to pull my guts out! Think, girl, where has to be a way".

A bell rung and the crowd finally set off home. Guys and girls flirting, as usual, chatting about the party they were going to throw at someone's place today. There was youth, and fun, and the Sun, and hormones, and everything - just like every other day. And there was a tall guy with a strange head who suddenly became uninterested in all those fancy things. He spotted a huge gap, an error, a failure which stuck in his opinions about life. He could feel it, finally, but wasn't able to figure things out yet. He knew one thing - something was wrong about his world. Something wasn't right in his head. He slipped on something. And this something was Helga.

A girl all alone in a train compartment. The girl, who stole all the money she could found at her parents house, knowing that her father keeps most of his savings in a bank. The girl looking out of the window while the train leaves the platform; the girl who's crying while the carriage gathers speed. The girl running away from everything she used to know before, whose suitcase is stuffed with the little pieces of her past. That girl is leaving right now, while no one knows, no one says goodbye, no one watches her go.  
Does anyone hear her saying her name over and over again in order to calm herself down?

Arnold somehow found himself standing near the front door of Helga's house.  
"I'm not guilty, this is ridiculous!" he mentally kicked himself. "Still, I don't feel well about it...This isn't like me anyway. I have to do it, have to apologize, so the things would go as they used to".  
He knocked. But no one responded. He waited a little. Then, thinking that Helga's parents might not be at home, and she herself might not want to see anyone, he pushed the door, which was unlocked for some reason, and entered the house. A little piece of paper had fallen beneath his feet.  
"Bob, Miriam! I'm off to Phoebe's, don't know when I'll return, maybe never. Have a nice day!"  
The paper seemed really old, written many years ago by the hand of little Helga. Arnold took it and put into his pocket. Then he went upstairs. Helga's room. No one was there. The whole house was empty. Strange feeling crept into guy's heart. He looked at the note once little piece of Helga gave him the understanding that she isn't anywhere near this walls.

He sat onto Helga's bed. It shocked him how much did this room change since he was here the last time. Helga must have thrown all her toys and other romantic rubbish away someday. At some extremely sad day of hers. How many sad days have she had? Arnold stood up. He felt very uncomfortable. It would be much better if she could just apologize and go away to his own happy life. Being in this room gave him creeps, as if he was sitting in the same room with a dying person. But he couldn't go away. He had to explore this new world of Helga, which he never seemed to notice. "Why couldn't she just be like me? Why couldn't she just look on a bright side?.. She never could. As long as I can remember her"- he kept wondering. Lost in his thoughts, he opened the door to Helga's closet. He didn't even think what he was doing, but then he saw all the mess Helga had left there. Clothes and pieces of paper with Helga's hand-writing on it. He picked up the old pink dress and couldn't help but laugh. "Gosh, she used to be so little, but seemed to be a mountain!" And then, under all the pile he noticed an old shoe box. He opened it. There was a red shoe without a pair, a little pink book and and old worn-out bow.  
Those things seemed very familiar and the sight of them shocked Arnold very hard. He took the box, went out of the closet, and settled on the floor near the bed.  
He felt like 9 year old boy again.

The note Arnold found was indeed an old note Helga wrote 7 years ago. Helga spotted it then she tried to figure out where to go. Phoebe! Sure.  
"No matter what was between us, Phoebe won't refuse to help me.I know her. At least she won't just throw me away. We can figure out our troubles later, I just ..need her now".  
Phoebe was surprised to hear Helga's , as usually, Phoebe was quick to get into the situation. Helga knew that Phoebe was now finishing her second year at California Institute of Technology while her peers where only graduating from school,and she was currently living in a little flat she bought on the prize money for some remarkable discovery she'd made while studying in her specialized school. The word "Quick" could definitely Phoebe's middle name.  
Good old Phoebe, now the successful young scientist, provided Helga her hand immediately. Helga's muffled voice erased years and years of the two being apart. This was the most wonderful solution Helga could think of. Relieved, she thrust the old note into the slit between the front door and a wall and left home.


	5. Chapter 5

This one is very short I 're going going going to the ending. So enjoy pieces)

A month without Helga had passed uncovering broken pieces of Arnold's attitudes. Now he was a guy living in a little town who had forgotten his umbrella, the guy who doesn't see any silver lining upon iron clouds.  
The day Helga left town Arnold returned home with her little diary in his pocket. It was a bit of a struggle to read it at first, because Helga's words hurt Arnold's pure naive heart like a high pitched voice would scratch his eardrums. Every page was full of rage and anger, it revolted Arnold, it made him want to throw the diary away, but he continued reading, as if making up for his offense. Closer to the end of the diary he however realized that something inside of him begins to see the world within her eyes. Just a little, tiny piece of understanding - and she didn't seem that revolting anymore. Things she wrote were not only her complaints and exaggerations. They were her truth. They were her world, the real world.

Helga's diary once opened a door to another side of living, and even though he really wanted never to see the imperfect and cruel side of things, now he couldn't deny that this vision was the only truth left for him to cling to.  
Carla and him broke up 3 weeks ago. Needless to say why and how, and he'd never thought of her since. He was too overwhelmed by the smashing tide of new sights and realities.  
Life slowly faded before his eyes. Without his optimism Arnold lost all that had made him unique. He'd never been so lost before, because unlike many other teenagers he had pretty peaceful teens, full of joy and safety, and he had no idea how to deal with things without looking on a bright side which he happened not to see now.  
But Helga sure had an idea.  
Every night over and over again words from her diary ran through his mind. They had destroyed his world, and still Arnold felt that this was the right thing to happen to him. He felt some strange joy when killing an old day-dreaming self with Helga's simple and heartbreaking reality. He was driving himself to the edge, falling lower than low, knowing at the same time that this desperation is the only true thing he has now.  
Although there was some other true thing he tried not to think of this days.  
Helga herself.  
He knew she'd been living with this for so many years. And unlike him she would fight anyway. He thought that for Helga no victory ever mattered. Good old Helga would fight just not to let someone take over.  
How much power she has...He's never like that - this ear-tearing truth voice. Unlike him, she was always the one and only Helga G. It's amazing how he'd never seen the actual HER, and seen only details. But now he could see it all at once.  
He was knocked down, breathless, by the whole Helga.  
Evil.

Eyes sparkling with anger. Furious, angular, loud, nasty, sarcastic, rough,abrupt,so bitter,poignant, so sober, and so true. The real someone. Individual. Self-sufficient. Whole. So Helga. Amazing, from this new angle.  
All his world seemed to him one-dimensional now, like a pretty picture in a gray office. But she was the flesh and blood.  
He remembered how passion would sometimes burn in her eyes though she tried to put it off so no one would have an idea.  
How many fights have you stood on a defensive, girl? - thought he.  
It wasn't like a crush like with Lila and Carla and many more.  
It was..like a craving, a starvation, a vital need.  
No butterflies in a stomach, no tension, no cheesy dreams.  
She was just the answer he needed to survive in the whole new universe.  
She was in the middle of something that felt like a thunder. she was the eye of the storm.

So day after day he tried to figure what to tell her, how to tell, where to find her, should or shouldn't he do it..He gave up thinking about the future. He didn't see the point. Everything seemed just rotten, stinking and fake. He had almost completely turned into a vegetable when Gerald interfered.

"Hey man, I see this whole thing is killin' ya. I never thought I would do this, but..it feels like i have to. Some time ago I called Phoebe to tell her I'd come to visit her, you know our usual stuff, but she suddenly began making some stupid excuses. You know her, she can't lie properly. She agreed to do anything only to keep me away from her flat. So it made me think...that Helga might actually be at Phoebe's"

He didn't need any other words. Two days after he stood in front of Phoebe's door. He didn't actually know why and what, the only thing he repeated in mind was "I came to apologize, I came to apologize, I came to apologize".  
She was surprised to see him, he was heartbroken when, invited to come inside, he saw no one else there.  
"Phoebe, listen...I..I know it might sound crazy but I thought Helga was here. You know, her parents actually told some rubbish about her being accepted to some university in Alaska and so on, and no one seem to worry about her...Well, still I am worried and...It is obvious the whole thing is a lie and she ran away because of the things I and others had said and...yes, yes I know she isn't a baby, she's a smart girl and she must have found a very good solution, some safe place..So this is why I'm here, I really thought that she'd come to you..."  
Disappointed and powerless Arnold collapsed to the sofa.  
"This whole situation is driving me crazy, Phoebe. I used to be so calm and so good with anything that comes to me, but now everything is so ruined...I believed in things which never existed, and my dumbness hurt Helga so hard.."  
He raised his eyes suddenly, looking at Phoebe's face.  
"Ooh, sorry, what am I doing here? Came to your flat, now moaning at your sofa..I'm so sorry!"  
He jumped up and hurried to the door.  
"Ok, nice seeing you, if you see Helga tell her that I'm sorry. Sure she wont believe it, oh crap, anyway. Bye, Phoebe"  
"Arnold wait"  
"What's it, Phoebe?"  
"I want to show you something"


	6. Chapter 6

The final chapter! I am so sorry I noticed that the site have eaten many letters, Gosh, I'll re-upload whole thing when you guys read this song/poem is written by me.

It was late in the evening when Arnold reached Phoebe's house, and now, when he was following her, the street was jet black, as clouds covered the moon, and chilly. He was too absorbed to notice anything around him, still the atmosphere was giving him goose bumps. Or was it just fear of facing that thing again?

Some sound was getting louder. He couldn't figure out what it was yet, but Phoebe was obviously leading him right to it. After a while he realized that they're going to a club where some band was playing live. Arnold was puzzled even more to see that Phoebe, who previously was just going before him saying no word, now stopped and turned to him.

-Guess, I have to tell you before you see it.  
-Tell me what?  
-About her.

Phoebe looked concerned when she began:  
She came to me that night, and she was...Well, I really expected her to be furious, shouting, or crying hysterically, you know, she's always been so emotional...but she was just cold and she avoided to look at me and was silent most of the time. This made me think what I don't really know this new Helga, you know, all those years since we used to be really close...I didn't quite know what to do. She just sat in the kitchen, then she slept, then she sat on a floor and stared to the floor. That's it. She said no word about you, she wasn't writing anything, she was just...being.  
I was so scared and I didn't know what to do and how to behave and it was so hard to be like that,really,really hard and besides, I really had to go, I couldn't spent the rest of me life with her,so I went to university the other morning, yes, -now Phoebe was now talking faster and faster-yes, it was a bit selfish, but after all, it all turned out great, so who's gonna blame me? You know,this guys whom I helped a lot, they're kinda musicians, and hey were playing that night and I thought - that's maybe a good idea to cheer Helga up,as she likes music so much, I know I was pathetic, but anyway, she wasn't saying a word so I just grabbed her hand and took her there, we came earlier and she saw the guys jemming and I don't know how it happened but she just started murmuring something under her breath, when it got louder, I thought she's getting crazy at first, but then realized she just sang in tune, just because she was so sad, and a song was sad, and so she just stood and stood and sang to this music, and then Will spotted this and came closer and...Gosh, this is just to long, just come and see.

She looked a little scared, and guilty, and proud at the same time. -What is this supposed to mea...-He suddenly felt like something bumped into his rushed to his heart, then to his head so he could hear its hum in his ears.

-I made one bubble blower

I was nine, I was sad

Then I made a big covey

I gave it a message to send

This was too sudden. He was OK with the fact that Helga was in a band, it was about some distant Helga, Helga from school who was always somewhere in the shadow. All that information didn't touch him at all as if he didn't come here to raise information about the girl. He wasn't though OK with the fact that a familiar but unexpectedly rough and strong voice would fill all of the space around him, everything and everywhere with the presence of that girl in a diary, of real Helga, so solid and depressed. It was overwhelming, almost like his guts were torn inside out, but he couldn't go away. They finally got in.

-They should've told you I was there

I told them to and made them fly

To one I thought that would take care

But saw them burning in the sky

She was there - her hair blond again, clear blue eyes unfocused, movements slow and was absolutely conquered by her memories, and it seemed that the audience was absolutely conquered by her. There were only about 50 people, but it seemed they already knew the song and the girl,and came here to see that again.

-There's no bubble anymore

there's no you, and almost no me

Unlike so many times before

I know I'm alone against the dim

There's no sense but I still am

Those things you've never seen me be

There's the truth I owe to them

I'm not a girl of your sweet dream

This Sharp and cold words were, as it appeared, the last for tonight's gig. Phoebe looked at Arnold obviously waiting for his cries, apologies, shocked expressions or irritated comments. But he said no word. He didn't want to talk to Phoebe, at this point, her very presence was driving him mad because she was here, and she didn't understand, though she was a friend, all this years...Why was she here and not Helga? Where did that girl go again? Why is she always running away from him when he needs to figure all those things out?  
He left Phoebe at mid-sentence, still frustrated and without an idea there he was going. He went through a hall and saw a changing room door. He knew whom he'd find there the moment before he actually opened the door.

The too stood in silence just like that day in a playground for ages, as it seemed. Neither of them could think of something to say, and what a word should it be, after all that had been said before.  
Then Helga made a strange movement, as if she wanted to run for one second but then had made herself stay still. Arnold 's heart dropped. But before he could actually say a word, Helga turned her back at him and began examining the table in front of her.  
-That's such a stupid song, wonder why don't they just get rid of me, -said she in a low voice, still not looking at him. They were silent for some more minutes.  
-You came here...-began the girl after a while, thinking that it's better to go straight to the thing so that it at least would be fast, whatever it could be.  
You just cropped up, somehow, after all that mess, I thought it's all over and clear, but you're here, for some reason. What's that?

Another pause emerged.  
- I have no idea - said Arnold finally.

Helga turned and looked at his face. That it was quite a challenge, but curiosity took over wasn't sure how to behave in this situation, so she just stared at him, waiting for any continuation.

-Helga, look, the only thing which is clear, which I know is the right thing to do is to say how sorry I am. Though I don't actually know why I am so sorry. I mean, that day when we...eeeerr...had an argument, I thought about it a lot and...I had all the reasons inside of my head, reasons to hate you, reasons to say all this words, reasons not to feel guilty, but anyway I did, I do feel sorry and it is driving me so mad that I actually came here to find you.

-That's dumb, - said Helga simply, - but continue, I believe you have some...phycological stuff to say, you always do.

Arnold smirked. -I know you're going to be mad at me, but once I came into your house and...well, it was no one there and I felt kinda stressed somehow and.. and I hand arond for a while, I went to your room, but you weren't there, and I felt very down, and then..then I found your diary.

Helga sighted loudly.  
- Look, I'm sorry, I told you, just let me finish the whole thing, I'm not going to tease you for it or anything - said Arnold fast. This little thing...God, I wish you knew how much I hated it. It was like a man dieing from a horrible disease whom I can't help who creeps the hell out of me but whom I should look after. This little pink book - Arnold took it away from his pocket and threw at a table near which Helga stood - made me a maniac, made me nothing in my girlfriend's eyes, completely destroyed my life and now...Now - I want the answers. How come you always destroy me, Helga?

He finally raised his eyes from the floor and looked at her face

-So this is why you came? To humiliate me and say what an awful creature I am once again? There's no need,I don't care. But what ..what was the point in making excuses then? - Helga frowned and put on a dull expression to hide emotions. "Come that may" said her face.  
Arnold smiled at her sad and puzzled face.  
-I don't mean..that this was any bad destruction, Helga..Even you don't know how much power you posses...You know what? It's so hard to explain, but ...I was vain and naive and dull, and you weren't. You never were. So I guess I needed some Helga - he finished, still smiling

-I don't understand - she said quietly

-Me too - he snorted,  
I just wanted to tell you...It was such a dull life without seeing those things you see, when life has not only its bright side...You know, since I read your little book everything is like...more real.

-Still no idea what you're talking about -this time Helga sounded impatiently

-Ok. I'll try to make it clear. I read your diary, and after a while I realized what an animal I've been, and I actually come to the understanding of some really interesting features your mind possesses. I'm like a newborn, Helga. You showed me this totally different world of yours, and now I know that ...that some people aren't that they seem as they have only one side, always, whatever they do, whatever games they play...You're not plastic, and now I realize that this is so vital..So I came here because I need it, I need...

-To talk to me?-Helga looked shocked

-Yeah, like not only now, but like...from time to time...you know...every day...like I'd call you and you'd tell me how did those girl tease you again and what do you think about those clouds and things...you know, like...sharing?

-Kinda psychologist thing or what? - Helga began laughing

-More like...a friend...you know -Arnold blushed

-Gotcha -laughed Helga- A friend! No, no, I got your idea - grinned she when he tried to explain something - i'm OK with the scheme. And she gave him a sly glance - so talk to me!


End file.
